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When Turkeys Rule
The American Turkey (Meleagris Gallopavo) is a singular icon of American mythology, so noble in the estimation of its admirers that, thanks to the dementia of Benjamin Franklin, it nearly became the national symbol of America:
"For my own part I wish the Bald Eagle had not been chosen the Representative of our Country. He is a Bird of bad moral Character. He does not get his Living honestly. You may have seen him perched on some dead Tree near the River, where, too lazy to fish for himself, he watches the Labour of the Fishing Hawk; and when that diligent Bird has at length taken a Fish, and is bearing it to his Nest for the Support of his Mate and young Ones, the Bald Eagle pursues him and takes it from him.
For the Truth the Turkey is in Comparison a much more respectable Bird, and withal a true original Native of America... He is besides, though a little vain & silly, a Bird of Courage, and would not hesitate to attack a Grenadier of the British Guards who should presume to invade his Farm Yard with a red Coat on."
We are not certain in which circles of turkey Franklin moved, but it is clear to some that he was a bit off the mark. But then, in those days ‘Republican’ meant something quite altogether different. Our distinguished ancestor was unaware that in the Walspugis Nacht of Puritan witchcraft, the emergence of the Turkey Vulture, part turkey and part carrion vulture, was conceived and later destined to haunt the last days of the American Empire, and would, had he known, disgraced his judgment.
Most Americans associate turkeys with Puritans, those fore-runners of today's radical conservatives. Ah, herein lies the genesis of our exploration. Puritans were an unpleasant lot, invited to leave England for the better by their absence and encouraged to relocate their religious bigotry, hypocrisy, violence, starchy superiority, genocide and intransigency to America so far away. Puritans are noted for the peculiar notion that God particularly favors the wealthy, no matter ill-gotten gains, ethics or morality. The greater goal is ignoring the Statue of Liberty for a ‘Shining City on the Hill’ located in Washington D.C., a majesty of which has no redeeming place for the poor, humble, tired, and undesirable. The tradition of this heresy still manifests itself in America today, even though the symbol of such non-sensical Christian blasphemy has transmogrified from bird to elephant.
Although these anti-humanist radicals admired the predatory habits of the mighty eagle, they particularly related to the turkey and its carrion cousin, the turkey vulture. The turkey, a gift from God was, of course, free, easy to bully, slaughter with impunity, and delicious when dead and stuffed. The power of this symbol is so manifest, that long generations since think the pairing of turkey to Puritan is essentially the foundation of democracy. Go figure.
However, thanks to the influence of the European enlightenment on the Founding Fathers, a mode of diversity developed allowing for freedom of thought, modifying the supremacy of said symbol. Such democracy can be seen to this day in school rooms across our ‘amber waves of grain.’
In school you can always tell the little conservative kids. Their parents only allow them the smallest crayon box set. You know, that boring one which seems to have only shades of gray or brown, pink for girls, blue for boys, red for bloodshed and of course, moral black and white. Perfect, wouldn’t you say for coloring-in turkeys or pilgrims? In fundamentalist Christian elementary schools, it is the sacred turkey that hovers around the Christmas manger ‘gobble gobbling’ the Baby Jesus to sleep while pecking bugs out of the straw. No, it’s true!
The little progressive kids, especially gay tots, are endowed by their Creator with ‘certain inalienable rights’ such as those special 'gigantor' boxes of Crayolas that have a hundred colors to die for. Such lucky kids naturally skip right past the boring turkey offerings and gravitate toward the splendid peacock. The little conservative kids are naturally resentful, and just shocked. Shocked! That is where the little rat bastards learn to tattle, as later at home they report diabolical goings on at school. It is this early childhood trauma that later manifests in adulthood as congressional careers in the GOP.
Did you know, there are a number of possibilities on why turkeys are called turkeys. Some say Columbus thought the land he discovered was connected to India which had a large population of peacocks. Columbus thought turkeys were part of the peacock family. He decided to call them tuka, which is the word for peacock in the language of India.Others say that the name turkey came from Native Americans who called the birds ‘firkee‘, which sounds like turkey.
We can so relate to that ‘firkyou’ theory, not to mention the peacock business. Already enamored of peacocks because my grandmother raised them, I was one of those kids who ate most of my ‘gigantor’ crayola set, thinking colors were flavors. While other kids made hand-print plaster molds for Mama, I insisted on making a peacock feather in high relief, and painted it in shiny rainbow colors. I always worked with high gloss, none of that pasty dull tempera for moi.
The very 'Miss' Theda Bolish, my third grade teacher and a Puritan church lady to boot, always squinted hard in my direction and looked at me as an infant spawn of you-know-who. She was a large lady who kept scratching herself, adjusting her behemoth breasts and whose cheap costume jewelry always looked like it was moving in orbit around her----that is after she explained about planets and moons.
I always hated wearing shoes, and discarded them the moment outdoor recess began. No, really, she kept peeking at my feet during play in an attempt to spot tiny cloven hoofs. She wasn’t far off. Decades later after graduating from faun, I did do an apprentice stint as satyr, but found the work far too labor intensive and dropped out. Now, after all these years, I’m just a regular old goat. Naaa Naaaa Miiiiz Baaaaalish.
But, we digress: Did you ever wonder why the breast and wings of chickens and turkeys have white meat while the legs and thighs are dark? The explanation is a physiological one involving the function of muscles, which gives some insight into humans as well as animals. The dark coloration is not due to the amount of blood in muscles, but rather to a specific muscle type and it's ability to store oxygen . Yeah right! We know that muscle. Makes sense doesn’t it? I mean turkeys are stupid because all the oxygen is located in the nether parts and the brain is so ‘white meat.’ This could explain why---oh never mind.
Thinking of our transmogrified birdies brings up a new paradigm: if conservative is to the turkey, as is progressive to the eagle, then the vile turkey vulture is certainly neo-con----the worst of the former and the failed simulacra of the latter. We are certain as a matter of faith that creationist avian biology confirms these facts found somewhere or other in the Bible.
Yes, it is so. Although let it be noted that in those days, turkeys were called ‘doves‘ and were considered miraculous because they could speak fluent Aramaic or perfect English in translation and projected disco lights from above onto the adoring multitudes below. By some magic known only to priests, these flying poop machines became known as the Holy Ghost. Some folks will believe anything. But moving along, let us pursue what the Lord, in denial, insists is His most appropriate creation. We will not be deterred by evil agnostics who insist that God had a senior moment in these matters, or foreshadowed John McCain.
It’s time to stop beating around the Bush and be out with it: Republicans are Turkeys. In a moment of rare magnanimity and (cross our fingers behind our back) faux Christian charity, we will concede that Benjamin Franklin was observant when opining that Turkeys are for the most part 'respectable', and further, ‘He is besides, though a little vain & silly.’
So who’s to argue with a Founding Father? However, Old Ben mistook bullying aggressiveness and loud signaling for bravery: “Turkey also communicate with each other with a variety of clucks, chirps, putts, gobbles, and yelps. I have heard that turkey are the second smartest bird of the forest, second only to crows.”
While no expert on turkey IQ, I have observed that turkeys are less intelligent than crows, a distinction admirable considering the general gross unpleasantness of the latter. Many Republicans consider turkeys noble and brilliant. Progressives consider them---well, turkeys.
Now, as for assertions of bravery and the variety of clucks, chirps, putts, gobbles, and yelps, one must determine by research whether the ‘talk’ matches the ‘walk‘. The ‘walk’ as described by naturalists is what Franklin described as ‘brave:’
“ In pictures and drawings, the male turkey is usually shown in his proudest moment. For those of you who have not seen a real turkey, the puffed up picture is actually the male turkey and this is not his usual stance. This feather works display only lasts for a few minutes but it can be seen several times daily.
The male turkey in full plumage is dignified and almost royal in appearance. As his dance begins, the body stiffens and he gobbles loudly holding his head high, piercing black eyes looking straight ahead. His huge chest is thrust forward. Each feather stands apart with his tail feathers fanned. His wings actually drape down and drag the ground as he stamps his spurred feet. Moving in a circle around the barnyard for all to seen. For a few glorious minutes each day, he is the finest, most magnificent animal on the farm.
OMG! Is that Republican or what?? We posit the hypothesizes that the ‘Turkey Trot', radical in its day, has degenerated under Vulture ethos into the oh-so-common Larry Craig Toilet Tap-Dance.
Nothing better illustrates than the above description, the posturing and love lives of conservative talk show hosts, or propaganda carrion dumpster divers employed by the likes of FOX NEWS, CNN, MSNBC, or other right wing media clones. Bravery in these venues consists of unrelenting promotion of war, violence, suffering, indifference to destruction, genocide, and George Bush‘s “romantic” engagement of endless slaughter.
Bravery in war will be defined by some veterans as the happenstance of action predicated on superb training, company cohesiveness, and decided great personal risk----otherwise known as 'GUTS'. Bravery is often an accident recognized after the fact. As often, it is the superb will to action without thought of self preservation. I have never met a mature soldier who denied fear, even terror, and did not admit that such was the power that transcends the horrors of slaughter and propels courage. I have never met a hero that called himself/herself brave. That is the real ‘walk.’
But what of the ‘talk?’ Of Courage? Of Bravery? What of those gobbling bloodthirsty war mongers that prattle on about patriotic self sacrifice? The following says it all:
George Bush, President & Commander in Chief of the USA
Fly Boy given to cod-pieces and costumes placed out of harm’s way by rich influential daddy and went AWOL when bored with the obligations of service.
Dick Cheney, Vice President
No military service because he arrogantly admitted he had better things to do.
Cal Thomas, journalist
Copulated in a quickening to avoid the heat with a baby shield.
David Brooks, NY Times columnist
No military service.
Pat Buchanan, MSNBC commentator
No military service.
Ann Coulter, writer & witch
No military service.
Lou Dobbs, CNN News anchor
No military service.
Paul Gigot, Wall Street Journal editor
No military service.
Sean Hannity, Hannity & Colmes host
No military service.
Brit Hume, Fox News anchor
No military service.
Rush Limbaugh, Radio talk show host
No military service.
Bill O'Reilly, O'Reilly Factor host
No military service.
Michael Savage, Radio talk show host
No military service.
George Will, Washington Post columnist
No military service.
Wolf Bilzter, CNN News anchor
No military service.
Alan Colmes, Hannity & Colmes host
No military service.
Thomas Friedman, NY Times columnist
No military service.
Chris Matthews, Hardball host
No military service.
Turkey Vultures All!
We don't doubt the patriotism of the above powerful, well paid voices and apologists of the 'Establishment.’ But, we question. From their insulated, protected positions of punditry can these career opportunists possibly know the true and painful depths of America's genuine sacrifice? Somethings never change: old men send young men/women to die for glory, and above all----profit. Collaborators quickly line up to pick over the carcass.
It is one thing to have moral and spiritual objections to military service and war or even overriding self interest, but quite another to avoid it while thrilling to violence sitting in safety, perversely entranced by death, snuggled in the bunker of cowardice and sheltered from the harm absorbed by real heroes. Do these gas bags even realize the horrors they have inflamed----hundreds of thousands dead, 30,000 Americans maimed for life, 4,000- and-climbing dead service personnel, millions in the Iraqi Diaspora, and the obliteration of one of the world’s most ancient civilizations? See ‘Body of War'.
The truth is that these voices are collaborators in war crimes of international stature. Did we learn nothing at Nuremberg? The living cannot forgive them; the dead cannot forget them, and we will not forget the dead. In a generous karma, the above talkers too self centered or cowardly to walk their turkey talk, should be stuffed, roasted, and served up in a celebration of justice for which we will be thanks giving.
